sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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appreciation 2016

things to be thankful for as we enter the 2nd season of 2016:

1) the love that have blossomed beautifully between my honey and I.
we've known each other for almost 2 years. committed to one another for 1. and living together for 8 months. to learn what loving another person means, and also learning to love myself

2) learning to forgive the past and letting things go.
every day is a new day. another day to get closer to goals. another day to do something a little crazier than before. another chance to eat healthier, stay motivated and indulge in face masks.

3) money management and not going on a spree.

4) job promotion to what i know i can do, and be paid better for the things i can provide.

5) being honest and knowing when to shut the fuck up

YAY life is very cool.
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2015 roundup

goals i've had for myself in 2015:

1) Limit my mind-wandering
A) a daydreamer with a wild imagination has a brain that endlessly searches for its next creativity outlet. and mine is no exception - mind-wandering has always been a part of me.
the difference between the beginning of my berlin journey and now, protrudes in the factual reality that bridges the intangible toward a calm sea of realness. Despite the fact that some negative feelings have existed, they cannot be pushed away but rather embraced and cognitively researched and backed up with reason and facts. so, although the mind-wandering had never seized, to deal with the reality has become less strenuous and actually a supplemental course.

2) 30 minutes yoga every day, writing, sleep 8 hours, limit caffeine intake, stay active and healthy.
A)stretching has existed the same amount as my impatience on a general thumb. I seldom drink any caffeine (once a month) and work has kept me on my swivel game. done

3) exert extra energy towards something constructive, other than work: review writing on restaurants/hotels/etc, german language study, ,,,,,,
A) Being with honey's family has pushed me to speak and try to understand German. Getting to know his family was at first anxiety-inducing, however it's helped me to expand my knowledge on the language and the culture. Roaming about the city and trying out new joints has slowly, yet steadily been on the to-do list. Being with honey has opened my mind to a lot more and I'm becoming more open to seek out the unknown.

c) CBT. when the moment arises, acknowledge it, and let it go. talk to somebody if I need to.
A) I've definitely become more honest and self-aware during my 2015 journey. honey has always been there to support me during my ups and downs and he has been the most amazing person for me as I learn to better understand myself.

-----

Rather than letting my insecurities/weakness become who I am, I've slowly started to accept them as what they are. albeit uncomfortable, I've talked them out and try my best to see the reality in the best occasions. evolution oftens comes with heaps of stress. it is much easier to deny our own weakeness, pretend that it's not there and continue to living in the comfort zone -- that's the point. to step out of the comfort zone is cringeworthy and remotely sane. but it is damn worth it

when he says "I love you"

the young morning rays were slipping through the translucent curtains
as i curled up against the man that continues to tickle my heart
the streets were quiet and the weimar air mixed with our overnight aura
my eyes were half-open, as I gave my love a good morning kiss.
we acted like children, legs intertwining beneath the sheets,
as we exchanged sweet whispers, he held me tight and said
'I love you'

that moment has come, that I've been longing for since the day our bodies met for the first time
the words I craved but never heard, and let doubt come into my life
the reasons why I walked crying home on cold december nights alone
the reasons why I bickered toward him with passive-aggresive tone
and my heart tingled with honest warmth and yes, fear.

I am this way as I am. I cannot fully trust the person who even says, I love you to me
The present is a funny thing. If we crave and want and need something
it means we aren't being satisfied from within and constantly chasing for the thing that is going to make us feel whole

what am I missing within myself, that even the man I love has said those 3 words
I am still stuck in this loophole that something is missing
I am not totally satisfied on a general level.
and this is not something somebody could give me,
rather something I must give to myself.
and that is the love I could give myself.

Yesterday, we had a discussion about the option of living together.
and we've decided that it would only happen if both parties are able to say
"yes, let's do it"
because ultimately is it like a marriage without the license.
you're in it and it'll be more difficult to get out of it.

and truth is, anybody can get out of anything at anytime of their life.
is this sort of escapism a possible path that I like to keep for myself? why is it?

because my past has told me to always protect myself and always be alert.
yet, surely those walls are slowly softening up but they are as high as it can be.

I am the one who is most mysterious to the outer realm.
nobody will truly understand or comprehend the ordeals that are happening in my mind,
and my mask is on secure and they can only see that I have a confused, wandering mind.

nothing is like the movies, or dramas or sitcoms that we absorb.
that isn't reality.
true reality is happening here, right now

despite the fear of feeling trapped and not having an escape in case the worst pursues
I won't let this inner battle win over me.
because once I do I will take a million steps back to the person I once was.

the man who said "I love you" to me
is one who I want to learn to trust fully
and let my borders soften up a bit more
the man who said "I love you" to me
is one I want to hold close to my heart

it is a scary ride
but I'm willing to go through it
because his hand is the only hand I want to hold onto.
because his face is the only face that I want to wake up to.
I love you, too.

when he doesn't say 'i love you'

and the only moment that is real is now, as my fingers flirt with the keyboard, NU humming to a beautiful headache, eyes are getting heavier as I inhale the smoke and taste the menthol on my lips. The mind has a power of its own, and to remember to control your mind and not let it control you, to recognize the power that is deep within yourself.
I used to have a strong craving to hear the words, 'i love you' from my current boyfriend.
it signified a sense of calmness, stillness and stability. and ensurance to the unstable heart, the unsettling mind. but in reality, he already gives me everything that I want right now.
the calmness in his eyes, the stillness in our aura meshed together, the stability of waking up to his face every other morning. to know exactly how he likes his coffee in the morning. meeting late at night while both are drunk. our kisses weigh heavily on one another's lips after some days apart.
he makes my heart worry. there are moments when i feel like i am walking on eggshells due to my own uncertainty.
and it is all beautifully scripted in the skies already.
because actually, the universe already knows that if it was any other way, i would get bored, lose interest and begin to feel the lack of need to have his existence around.
exactly how he is right now, is exactly what i need right now.
damn he is so damn special.

I'd rather live a life filled with unsettling vibrance, unexpected tendencies and beautiful headaches than to know exactly what may come my way.
and to know what your wants and needs, they all come around somehow anyway.

when he doesn't say 'i love you'
doesn't necessarily mean that it has to end
jealousy may be stirred and pondering may occur
but it only flirts with the idea of unconventional ways
and let's me continue to feel alive and lets me re-focus on coming back to now

maybe some day, one day
or never.
it doesn't matter,
because right now, he gives me everything i want
and he is the perfect person for me at this time of my life.
and that is the universe's way of telling me, the way that it makes me feel,

that, yes, he loves me.

past/present/future

self-reflection, a positive outlook between the mirrors

accomplishments in the past year:
1) Change in Location: Successfully moved abroad - familiar bustling city scenery, international social atmosphere, with variety and wide selection. unfamiliar self-reliance, complete independence
2) Self-awareness: Learned more about myself - why I am the way I am, though the journey is on-going. My habits, my reactions, my strengths and weakenesses
3) Boyfriend: Sustained a relationship - though rocky and unsure in the beginning, I faced myself and the way I am with another on an intimate level. To be honest with my emotions, despite how radical they may be, they are a part of me and I'm slowly gaining knowledge on the balance between emotional vs intellectual reaction to the immediate trigger
4) Friends: This one I am still working on. I really miss my friends back in NYC, though my acquaintance circle is huge in Berlin, I feel my true friend circle is very small. and that's okay. I've realize that my mind wanders very often, I am very easily distracted and this awareness helps me toward the next step.

what I'd like to do in the next 6 months:
1) Limit my mind-wandering - it is constructive only when realistic ideas arise. Otherwise it is distracting, sometimes negative and creates unnecessary worry about things that do not exist
a) 30 minutes yoga every day, writing, sleep 8 hours, limit caffeine intake, stay active and healthy
b) exert extra energy towards something constructive, other than work: review writing on restaurants/hotels/etc, german language study, ,,,,,,
c) CBT. when the moment arises, acknowledge it, and let it go. talk to somebody if I need to.

2) Complete German B1
a) go back to language school starting May
b) study study study. discipline

3) Continue travelling once a month, whether international or regional.
a) educate myself on the city, the people, the language. historical, emotional
b) pursue restaurant hunting for my continual love for food
c) WRITE REVIEWS! YES!

,,,,,

What I'd like to accomplish in 2 years:
1) Work towards my undergrad. Business or Linguistics or?
2) Increase revenue from current situation
3) Travel to at least 10 new cities, review accordingly
4) Make a collection of my writing into one binding (whether poetic or fictional or philosophical)
5) ,,,

Objective:
Continue working on myself, exploring, educating, expanding, leaving behind the things I do not need and embracing the things that I want to keep in my life.

there are only ways

there is no right way to do anything. no rules and no boundaries of absolute dictation. there are only 'ways'. the rules you believe, are they really yours? or is it from the outside, from the older generation, from the other universe..have we got what it takes to take those rules and mend it to our own needs?

Since I was a child I was stubborn, rebellious and always went the other way. and I got smacked for it by the palms of tough love and by the societal realm.
nothing is real. and yet everything is. To be smacked by my own reality, that is true freedom. in some twisted unrealistic way. I like to tell myself that I am free in this restricted world. sometimes I gotta take what is there. and so it goes.

live by your own rules, live through your emotions entirely, some will understand it. some may not. who cares. I don't care!
*high jumping with wine in hand*

bitter cold

as my love affair with the summer breeze slowly withers away
the autumn leaves settle as a sip on my morning coffee
and take one last puff from my menthol pack

bodies intertwine on a cold sunday morning
and by noon the shadows become a solo debris
since when have i become so cold
toward the longing of lasting warmth?

the heart becomes bitter and dark
as the brisk wind sway my thoughts sideways
to the small possibilities of non-belief
the heart begins to beat slower
i inhale another breath of october air
and continue to walk the path of what may not come

and yet again today
i shall embrace my own body
and wake up to another tomorrow

to become heartless and lack in emotion
after attempting to be open and available
it is one way to heal
slowly
somehow
someday

8 monate in Deutschland

oof, ich bin schon 8 monate in Berlin gebleiben
das ist unglaublich nie?
ich habe 3 monate Detusch gelernt, ich weiss dass ich noch Disziplin zu studieren.
ich bin einfach faul ... es tut mir leid, aber das ist die Wahrheit.
was will Ich in mein Leben?
Ich habe viel zeit genossen....und mit mein Arbeit (und ich bin immer arbeiten), nach den arbeit habe ich kein lust studieren. nur schlaffen, oder mit Freunde treffen ...und so weiter.
Ich habe in diesen Tagen gedackt was ich mochte mit mein Leben tun.
alkohol trinken und Leben geniessen, okay, es wird alles getan.
Was ist der Wunsch, was ist das Feuer?

die Sprache. die Leute. der Geist und Emotionen.
das ist was ich liebe.
Ich glaube, ich brauche nur zu halten erkunden.
nicht zu stoppen!!

schade. mein Deutsch ist so scheisse. was auch immer ;)

moments

and our lives are a cluster of moments
with various shapes and colors
emotions and feelings
expectations, hopeful tendencies
disappointment and sadness
euphoria and stimulation

it has been 6 months since I've moved to Berlin
that big leap of whatever comes my way
disconnected from my past
yet having it intertwined with my present
decision making brought upon by habitual thoughts
it is not easy to face one self at times
oh how I sometimes wish the uneasiness could fall thru
and I feel at peace one more time

but it is like this, this moment right now
it's hard to breath, it's hard to think past the concerns
and worries of the unknown
one cannot change the perception of others
nor can one control the manifestations of natural causes
but one thing is for sure
that one has all the ability to empower themselves
and evolve accordingly.

Right now I am feeling uneasy
Some moments in life are so beautiful
that it is hard for me to comprehend

it is like this

I find calm in the warmth that Sven is giving me
His beautiful eyes helps me breath
and yet, my heart has an urge to shut down
because it is all just too beautiful
he is an extremely beautiful person
and it moves me
and that frightens me

from the early stages of childhood
I have been left alone
and I've coped with disconnecting from others
and being emotionally detached and independent
and yet I crave for so much attention and love and acceptance.
this is a healthy malfunction as I would call it
because we all learn certain coping skills
to get through this strange thing called life

Sven makes me think
and let's me be who I am
and I've yet to know who I am completely

I did not intend on having these emotions
and creating a deeper level of connection with somebody
in this way
because I thought, I should not commit and be in a relationship
until I figure myself out

but actually,
us humans are always trying to figure ourselves out
how boring it would be if we stopped evolving at a certain age
and just hit a plateau of mediocre vibrance

My take on relationships has shifted gears
from being afraid of the 'what ifs' of the unknown
to the 'why nots' of the unpredictable

and yet this fear spikes thru out of nowhere
because the pain I've learned from the past
is still vivid and raw within me

We have the ability to heal and move forward
to forgive but nobody can ever really forget
the pricks and nicks of the truth

but.
the truth is all we have
and I can only be honest with myself.
and let the truth set me free.

I really like Sven.
and I really like being in Berlin.
I am a jittery person, and my mind never seizes to make its
twists and turns, ups and downs
sideways, backwards, forwards,
it's an endless three dimensional cord
of staggering thoughts and progression

these days, I've been drinking very heavily
I think to put a pause in my mind and
to push myself to become calmer
but in fact, we all know, this isn't a healthy route
and today, I decide to be sober.
and tomorrow, I will wake up, and decide to be sober yet again.
hopefully.

I'm making the decision to cut out alcohol right now
and only with baby steps can I really slowly turn this cycle around
and to kindly learn more about myself.

I remember the moment when I last put a cut through my right arm
it was in the bathroom of a church when I was 17
and I told myself, this would be the last time I ever do it
and I quietly cried to myself.
It's been 8 years since then. I have not put a knife through since then.
and thank fucking goodness that it has stopped.
the point I am trying to make however,
is that cutting is a result of something much deeper
a coping method to deal with underlying denial,
to hide away from uncomfortable feelings
whether it is about yourself, your past, or events that are out of your control
we all have these mechanical coping methods
regardless of what the deeper cause may be
it always starts with yourself.

Today, I choose to be content.
and be a little bit more okay with who I am
because I am who I am,
and nobody else is this way.

I am experiencing some seriously intense moments these days
some are so beautiful
I cannot even handle it

however

in reflection, now,
I shall embrace them
and enjoy them.
because this is the only life that I have
and even I want to be somebody else
I cannot,

and that is in itself
so damn beautiful.

the solitary truth

the truth can be as simple as
'the sky is blue'
'i am 5 feet 2'
'1 us dollar is equivalent to .71 euros'

but somebody had to create the idea that
'this color will be called blue'
'1 foot will equal 12 inches'
'depending on inflation and interest rates, the value of the dollar will result in this amount'

what is truly certain in this world?
what makes people believe that something is the truth?

because we believe.

without believing, many things what we thought as the truth
would turn into complete oblivion
our minds are molded and shaped since we are born
to see things from a certain light
and as we grow and mature, we begin to question these ways
and change our own perception by putting more faith within oneself.
just as if one way works for one person
doesn't seemingly work for another.


different minds, different goals, different objectives
it creates a polygamy of unity
however a monogamy of chaos.

on an animalistic level,
it is all quite simple.
all we need is energy to survive.
from food to social interaction.
we are incredibly greedy, sensitive and love-seeking creatures.

is there one truth to all things?
or are there many truths to one thing?

what some believe as 'the truth'
can be used for another's advantage.
and it is difficult to know when this is happening
especially if you are in the midst of the game

the current state of the world is suffering
because there is so much lying happening
and the monetary system is extremely corrupt

the truth can set us free
and the first step to recovery
is to begin from within yourself.

what do you desire
what is the truth you seek
and what is the destiny you want to see
become a reality for YOU?

from a personal stance
to the bigger picture

what changes do you wish to see within yourself
and the whole world?

it all starts with YOU.

so go on, be greedy.
because you have all the right to be so.
and with this freedom comes responsibility,
responsibility towards those around you
responsibility towards the system
and responsibility towards your personal happiness

because we are a society, a monogamy of chaos.
or a polygamy of unity?

however you want to look at it,
there is no choice but to embrace it.
because we are in it as i type
and it isn't going anywhere.
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