sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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8 monate in Deutschland

oof, ich bin schon 8 monate in Berlin gebleiben
das ist unglaublich nie?
ich habe 3 monate Detusch gelernt, ich weiss dass ich noch Disziplin zu studieren.
ich bin einfach faul ... es tut mir leid, aber das ist die Wahrheit.
was will Ich in mein Leben?
Ich habe viel zeit genossen....und mit mein Arbeit (und ich bin immer arbeiten), nach den arbeit habe ich kein lust studieren. nur schlaffen, oder mit Freunde treffen ...und so weiter.
Ich habe in diesen Tagen gedackt was ich mochte mit mein Leben tun.
alkohol trinken und Leben geniessen, okay, es wird alles getan.
Was ist der Wunsch, was ist das Feuer?

die Sprache. die Leute. der Geist und Emotionen.
das ist was ich liebe.
Ich glaube, ich brauche nur zu halten erkunden.
nicht zu stoppen!!

schade. mein Deutsch ist so scheisse. was auch immer ;)
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halfway around the world

a love letter for PR

halfway around the world
there you are in your own life
impatiently waiting for an answer
whether we will become 'us' ,
halfway around the world
here i am in my own life
getting ready for a big move
everything will change for me
and for you to arrive at this time
it is a blessing and a challenge
and i ponder every day
whether we will become 'us'

i need you during this transition of mine
and i desire to have the power to shine
with you by my side, and for me to be by your side
how will we become when our worlds collide?
with your familiar surroundings and daily routine
all i can do is hope and wait for february eighteen.

ich mochte das dir weisst das ich dich mag.

X

love is the strongest drug

love is the strongest drug
and damn am i on one so

my stomach flutters
and i feel dizzy
being at lost in your eyes
i feel like i am in the right place
yet feel oh so adrift
as if i'm doomed from all possibilities
and yet, i feel invincible at the same time

you make my heart pump blood
with lust and love,
anger and frustration
it cannot be stopped
the twirling of minds

what i once thought i knew
suddenly becomes a big blur
and i cannot regain my balance
on the feet that used to concur

you make my mind spin around
with joy and ecstasy,
confusion and sorrow
it cannot be stopped
the throbbing of hearts

what i once thought i knew
suddenly becomes a big blur
and i become more vulnerable
to the sensitive sound of your voice

love is the strongest drug
and damn am i on one so

awesome guy status

breaking news 1:
izzy is about to hit
awesome guy status.
i know.
i know.
me neither.

entices my curiosity damn right.

breaking news 2:
I GOT A CUBE TATTOOED ON MY ARM.
yup.

definitely not a girly girl

wednesday:
i went to greenwich, rented a car, shopped like there's no tomorrow,
chill fest with Aaron.
I started kickboxing with him. I usually HATE HATE HATE exercise
but he motivated me to kick the shit out of him, so I did <3
Here is a picture of me being a hippy while holding a machete.
397169_2542475596246_1084381690_34089826_1990916762_n.jpg
yes, that is how i roll.
hahaha. no. aaron is a weapon collector so he let me hold one of his prestigious weapons.
I even slept with it. well, on it, to be precise.

thursday:
Came home around 2pm, tired and over-partied. I took a nice, steamy bath while listening to one of I's remixes.
Sorry to say, but he has not hit awesome guy status. it's just not happening.
I'm so physically attracted to him, but something is missing.
chemistry. it's not vibing as well as I liked it to. Hm.
My brother and I had a haircut party at his place in greenpt.
hair everywhere.
ice crackling in my rum+soda.
weed in a tupperware.
the stereo belted out weezer.
my brother is awesome.
After copious amounts of chilling, laughing and drinking
I've made my way to Bushwick to meet up with izzy.
I don't know why I hang out with him anymore (as of now)
because the butterflies are gone and I've yet to be enticed by his mind.
maybe it's time to drop him.
Oh, I even told him that I thought about dropping him. haaaaaaa.
I am such a little fool sometimes.

friday: YET ANOTHER DAY OFF!
Went out for brunch. Had a huge salad and 2 mimosas.
how else am I going to celebrate another beautiful day off?
Drinking is the path to an alternative, delicate mind.
I've been sober for much of my life, might as well drink up while my immune system can handle it.
Sorry liver. You must be in poor shape.
I got home around 3pm, when Mom invited me out to dinner.
It's not really like her to ask me out unless it was for a certain occasion.
so I wondered.
"hmm, maybe she has an announcement to make?"
"or, she's trying to kick me out! oh no!"
"or, she's just lonely. aw, mom. lonely mom. we need to find you a man"
Apparently she just wanted to go out since she'll be ballin out some lovely tax returns later.
We went to Hasaki, an ambient japanese resto in the village.
Afterwards I came back home, took a nap while listening to weezer.
that shit gives me a headache when I'm attempting to go into a deep slumber.
No more weezer when sleeping. nope.
Woke up before midnight and made my way back to the village for a *girlies night out* with my uber co-workers.
I really love my co-workers <3<3<3<3
except for one that shall not be named.
or discussed about.
because I don't care at all anymore.
my co-workers were kind enough to listen to my boys situation.
am I digging myself into a dark hole?
I wouldn't say so, I'm just seeing what's out there and "being 23" as mari would say!
HI MARI!!

anyway.

Going to London in 2 weeks, my god I am so poooooor :)

boy problems

there's the ex
and the other ex
and the co-worker who's madly in love with you,
and then there's izzy.

okay, that was easy.

friday night DJ improv

he looks so good when he's DJing
he looks so cute when he smiles
he always know how to touch and kiss me
i tell him he's gorgeous, but he doesn't think so.
he tells me that i'm gorgeous, but i don't think so.
i suppose we are just 2 modest ppl,
who loves to drink and lounge,
laugh and giggle,
living in the present
in unpredictable nyc.
i'd like to get to know you more, izzy darling. <3

Since my current main squeeze is living in Brooklyn,
i've been making my way there 2-3x a week these days.
Brooklyn is funnnnnnnnnn damn how come I was so anti-brooklyn for so long?
Such a mysterious place, with its hidden bars and venues
its chilled out atmosphere, although rowdy at times,
there's something about brooklyn that's pretty dope.

2012, you are indeed a mysterious one.

Also, my brother had told me that he rented a house in London for everybody to stay in
and that we're all chipping in. He could've told me a bit earlier as I was trying to figure out my sleeping situation.
gee wiz.

cheerful beginnings

drifting in and out
in...then back out.
i was attempting to go into a deep slumber
when i heard an unfamiliar cat crying with a squeeky meow
a guy sarcastically says, "oh my god. shut up."
and then 5 seconds later he says " there you go :) <3 "
I'm still in the bed, warm and cozy however unfamiliar
my eyes slowly open and close. i yawn. i stretch.
oh yeah, i'm at izzy's place.
It was roughly 10am, and izzy left for work really early.
It was a strange feeling. Comforting, yet peligroso.
strangely enough, I've yet to let it be a retrospection.

so i've been on 3 dates with this dude within a week.
and just this morning he let me 'stay as long as i want.'
hm. is that a good thing? does he like me?
Oh bashful insecurities.
of course he fuckin does.
who wouldn't. :)
but anyway.
i'd like to get to know him more.
once he hits awesome guy status
official dating shall be commenced.

love. and then some.

love. and then some.
because lust is a particle of our well-being
like shooting stars flowing upwards
slowly spiraling in motions of unexpected swirls
you don't want it to stop
love.
and then some.
i breath in my tobacco
and a few blissful memories pass through my mind.
exhaling a white cloud of passionate sighs,
i walk. and love.
and then some.

rules?

if there are no rules to the free mind
and everybody is absolutely free to think or decide whatever they want
without any limitations or boundries
then why am i suffering?

I've met a special somebody. so so. so damn special.
but sometimes i just want to push him away
because I think that I am not good enough sometimes
that perhaps he can be more consistent without me.
and that's all just rubbish. i can't be thinking that way.
if i were to grow apart from him, it would be all because of me and my thoughts
and has absolutely nothing to do with him.
i'd want him to pull me back into the realistic world,
where it's okay to be vulnerable and okay to feel this way
but it's not okay to keep feeling it without doing anything about it

i'm scared. i'm so scared.
of what?
consistency.
I am afraid of consistency.
my life has always been a rollercoaster of events and emotions
I am so used to the uncontrollable momentum, I've grown comfortable in it.
So in my head I'd want to continue with that uneven momentum
to live life as it's being thrown at you.
is that the right way? is there such a thing as a 'right' way?

the only thing I know is that
my life is so uncertain right now
and i don't know where i'll end up
and i keep thinking about his thoughts.
what is he thinking?

but perhaps i should be cliche and just tell myself to
'mind ur own business'.
because when you're focused on yourself
that's when you really understand what's going on.

maybe.

ugh.
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