sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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7-day bikram yoga challenge : PRE

i have so many thoughts constantly running through my mind
but it's all jumbled up into a big mess and i can't think straight
my mind and body feels heavy
overloaded with shit i've been exposed to from the outside
even my writing has become shitty too.

i need to find my inner zen.

SO. tomorrow i'll be starting my bikram yoga challenge at the local studio.
7 days. everyday. 90 mins. 105 degrees. me against myself.
i've always done yoga at home, but obviously it's not the same.
I have the same comfortable atmosphere,
the same lazy tendencies of stopping and replying back to a text or looking at facebook ...
ahem, that's not what yoga is about yuki san.

i need discipline.
i want to relieve all the stress i have
feel better about myself and let the world go by smoother

it's going to be difficult, but i know i'll feel so much better once I start this.
let the journey begin!


meeeeeee. it was so fuckin fabulous.

I had a huge craving for a lux feel earlier last week.
should i spa myself?
rent a car and go somewhere I've never been before?
being on the top floor at the standard sounds super luscious.
and it truly was!
The elevators were really trippy, there was a screen showing a 'hell-to-heaven' situation
hitler was awkwardly dancing on one side
naked women were rowing a boat on another.
i stared at it in super awe.
the moment i entered my room, i was greeted with a 180 degree view of downtown manhattan, the statue of liberty, the hudson river and NJ. (but who really cares about NJ?)
the ceiling-to-floor windows made me feel like I was standing in mid-air. yuki jesus style.
without even thinking I plopped myself onto the bed and shrilled in joy
the wall separating the bathroom and bedroom was glass so there was very little privacy.
the post-modern and edgy design mingled with my soul
i wanted to share this whole experience with the world.
but first I surprised my boo by inviting him to my room,
which followed by a semi-successful strip tease. he did most of the stripping. sweeeeeeeet.
having that view for a night was worth every penny
because everything was not only PERFECT
but I was able to enjoy it with the best people of nyc <3

my bank account is oh so slowly enjoying its slide downhill.
but it's not bothersome at all, I'm just so happy to be able to enjoy a summer here.
nyc is one of those places that will eat people up if they can't handle it.
but being here for over a year now, I feel like I've made it.
Of course, there are many levels of I've-made-its
who says you can't have a number of them :)

what do you really want?

"You can’t really know what you want until you know you don’t know what you want"
I stumbled upon a really inspiring blog today.
and it made me think, no, re-think about what I really want in life.
Thank goodness for my natural strive for wanting to try different things.
it has led me to the life I have right now.
Before coming to NYC, I was living in Berlin, drinking beers every day with my usual possy.
Brunch and getting stoned at Mauerpark was surely my sunday staple for months.
and now? I am here. in Manhattan.
where the 6 train is nicely AC-ed but strangely humid and it becomes uncomfortable once the subway hits 59th st and the execs and women in big floppy hats come smoldering my little fengsui in the corner.
But gotta love it.
the usual is to get off at astor place. I'd like to call it my 2nd home.
my boyfriend lives right around the corner. aw. yes. Travi <3<3<3
we've had our ups ups and SUPER DOWN BOOYAHS.
but we made it through. look at that!

2 weeks ago, I stood up for myself and my co-workers and quit my job.
The stress was unbearable and I remember not being able to physically move anymore.
I wasn't tired, but my brain sure was. Everything felt like it was swirling and the air was getting heavier.
I couldn't take it anymore. so I quit within a few hours into shift.
I cried so much, so so much. but not because I was sad about not having a job anymore.
because I knew I was never going to be able to work with my amigos and co-workers anymore. at least what was left of them.
I cried because everything *changed* in a matter of seconds.
When I couldn't move, I still thought of doing the right thing by letting the boss know.
what a douchebag he was. Unable to control his anger and tried to emotionally tear me apart with his bad japanese mouth.
but it ain't you who put me to tears. It was change. the change that happened.
despite of the event, change is always scary.
but we cannot let fear hold us back. We cannot let it intimidate us and make us legitimize a reality that we are not happy with.
I cried for a good 3 blocks along st marks place.
at the end of 3rd avenue, my boyfriend came and embraced me really hard.
I was wearing my shades at the time and remember it shoving into my face, but I didn't care because Travi was there to hug me and let me be.
Afterwards, I was still being a big baby and Travi bought me ice cream at van leeuwan.

These past 2 weeks,
I've done so much of what I wanted to do:
- go tanning at coney island
- grab happy hour with friends and get spontaneous (got my belly button pierced!)
- walk through harlem on a sunny day, listening to feist. no direction, no place to go, I just walked. and walked. and strutted at times.
- kicked my coke habit and let my nose heal.
- go to new restaurants and indulge in new dishes
- have sunday brunch with travi
- stay at home for 2 days straight and smoke weed ALL FUCKING DAY. order delivery. watch breaking bad

I thought about buying a plane ticket and going off-grid. but then again, I was in new york fucking city. with all my friends and family and boyfriend here. so glad I sticked around.
Some things may sound like a regular deal, like grabbing happy hour... but my past work schedule has restricted me from doing so much as I was working constantly.

I just realized I haven't had a makeup gig in awhile. and I somehow don't miss it.
the lugging around 17kilos of makeup ...
the pretentious photographers who think they know everything ...
the hungover models....
i don't miss it.
I don't want to be a freelance makeup artist.
which only means one thing: I need to explore my creative side more.
and see what I really want.

SO. this week, I shall explore more. get more creative. get groovy.
oh and find a job. thankfully many of friends have been referring me jobs.
now I should actually get my engine going and get on it !!

do you know what you want in life?
I'm not so sure yet. but I do know that NYC has lead me on to an amazing adventure of self-discovery and I've yet to end my journey. if there is even an end.
tomorrow I'm going to buy a NEW YORK FUCKING CITY t-shirt. yes. those exact 4 words.