sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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being 23 is awesome.

although i currently do not hold a fulltime job
and although I constantly wonder about my credit score and my bank account

i love being 23.
i love where i am right now.

of course there is room for much improvement.
and in the case of my current life, or any of ours
there is ALWAYS space for improvement.
but the most important one,
what should first be worked on
is 'well-being'.
our well-being calms us, let's us accept our current situation
let's us breathe a little deeper
and helps seek our path in a positive, optimistic manner.
without a solid 'well-being',
we are often lazy, feel bored (in general or in relationships with others) and let's the present seep itself into the past
and we can never gain that day back again. ever.
time never stops. so why are you?
that doesn't mean go spend all your money on gambling
or party so much you become ill
(although that party one sounds kinda fun)
'not stopping' means to embrace each day and have fun with it.
the well-being can be nourished by number of things.
friends to laugh with, events to look forward to, exercising and eating well.
some may take it excessively and makes irrational decisions that they cover with a big 'well-being' blanket, when in fact it's going to affect the balance.

okay, this is getting too long.

i've been working on my well-being for the half-end of the summer.
When I came here I jumped-started and began working 40hrs+ every week.
although I did take some time-off at times, it wasn't the right time to find my well-being. too busy with other shtuff.
i'm in a really great relationship (it's been awhile since it's been legit like this.) so I'm taking all the skills I learned from my previous relationships to make it a really awesome one. and so far it has, I'm suppose I'm really scared that out of the blue he'll call it quits on me again. I wouldn't be so figgity if it never happened, but he ended it once last year and it was really fucking shitty. like I didn't even see it coming. I hate those.

Also, I'm trying to find myself as an artist. I don't know where I belong. it's making me shit in my pants because my 12-year-old self saw an independent woman, teaching makeup, being en entrepreneur in the cosmetic industry, somebody who peacefully painted at a park, or was decorating her new, big studio apartment.

look at me now.

hello past me,
I'm not what you'd expect I'd be
but first off. look at my awesome hairstyle. and i just got the other side cleanly shaved at a local barber.
I started Bikram yoga, and I feel so refreshed and powerful every time I walk out of that studio. like nobody could annoy or bother me.
I have a cute boyfriend who goes to NYU. we can all agree that the NYU part is quite important.
I quit my last job proudly.
I live in the most populated city in the US. and I've been here for a YEAR and it doesn't look like I'm leaving anytime soon.
I know a lot of good music.
so it's alll gooooood.

all of this however is a lot or work for the self.
don't let anything scare you.
just because something seems scary doesn't mean fear has to defend you.
fear is just a cover thinking that you can't handle it.
don't let it fool you, just go for it!
that's exactly what I'm doing.

30-day bikram yoga challenge : DAY 2 thru 4

I've upgraded my personal challenge from 7-days to 30-days. booyah bitches.
Bikram yoga doesn't get easier. everybody can agree with that.
the room is HOT and we're all sweating.
30 minutes in and we're all drenched. sweat dropping to our mats.
45 minutes in and i'm trying to control my breath.
I wish a big pool would just magically fall on me so I can be relieved from this torture.
My heart is beating fast and hard.
Camel pose is the most intense one for me, as it's an hour within and I'm feeling dizzy.
the teacher says that you should feel dizzy and light-headed after camel pose, because that's how you know it's working.
my blood is flowing throughout my whole body.
i look at the door. i want to open it and be relieved of this agony.
but no. I stay.
savasana. I relax and let my body be. i breathe in and out deeply and slowly to recycle my air.

If I can't do a pose because I feel dizzy, then I stay in child pose.
I look at myself in the mirror
there is nobody else around me
just me. hair up. no makeup. panting. sweaty. hot.
i don't like looking at myself so much.
I don't like how I have fat around my waist.
I don't like that I don't have a perfect face.

then the teacher says,
"look are yourself in the mirror. concentrate. look at your eyes, they are beautiful. don't blink. look. LOOK....and change."

when she says "change" it means to relax and proceed with savasana or the 2nd part of the pose.
but I took those words and digested it deeper.
Change yourself.
but first you must accept yourself.
that person in the mirror, look at her, don't blink.
love her, because that is you
working hard and challenging yourself
being honest and being vulnerable
for a stronger you.
don't give up.

I've gotten into the poses much deeper
and able to sustain the poses longer
but damn it's still so hard.
it doesn't get easier
but it's get better.

7-day bikram yoga challenge : DAY 1

HOLY SCHEISSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel goooooood.
as if I've just came out of a hot spring bath in fukushima.
so fuckin' refreshed and.... zen!
but during my session I thought I was going to die the whole half-end of it.

Instead of buying the 7-day intro pass, I bought the 1-month
if i was going to commit then damn right i'm going to COMMIT.

30 mins in
At first the 105 degree room felt like I was tanning at coney island on a hot day.
I started to sweat within the first few minutes but stayed nicely focused.
However, once 30mins has passed I started getting dizzy and couldn't concentrate on keeping balance
I started seeing black spots and omg I almost totally died.
We weren't allowed to drink water during a pose so I dazed out and closed my eyes while sitting down.

1 hour in
the beats of sweat turned into a shield of pure swear covering my whole body.
I didn't wipe my face once with a towel though, I just let it slide down.
because honestly at that point you really don't care AT ALL.
I sat out on a few poses because they were just too intense and I didn't want to faint.

last 15 mins
Many deep stretching, pretzel-like poses were involved in the last minute
with a resting position intertwined, which was really refreshing
my heart was pounding through my whole body, I was drenched in sweat
people were breathing super heavily
it was fuckin INTENSE

but I made it through! I stayed in a 105 degree fucking HOT room and did yoga (although not all poses) for 90mins.

I was so proud of myself when the instructor said we were finished,
but I felt so dehydrated that I needed water ASAP.
Once downstairs I chugged about a liter of cold water,
then felt really nauseous and ran to the toilet because I could feel it coming UP.
I totally missed the seat. gross.
strangely, it was just salty water. still pretty gross.

I sat down for a bit, then went into a shower stall and took a cold shower.
it felt soooooooooooooo gooooooooooooood.
i'm pretty sure i was breathing out so hard that perhaps people thought of something.
but I didn't care, it was unbelievably refreshing and I felt so rejuvenated.

When I left, I felt light. I felt strong. Tired yes, but I felt confident and awesome.

I'm so glad that I researched about bikram yoga before going in.
Although I was still a curious bean, not knowing what this eagle pose business really was
but it's SO SO important to know the basic etiquettes and preparation for a yoga class.

THANK YOU BIKRAM YOGAAAA I'll be back tomorrow.