sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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a little bit of guilt

I feel so blessed
to the point that I feel guilty.

I am blessed with an amazing living situation
and I've been blessed to have a job that I love
to the point that sometimes I feel like I am trying a way to make it a little uncomfortable
I start lying to myself that this can't be my path

but in reality it is
I've gone through much hardship to achieve this path
but somehow it feels so effortless
perhaps I don't have the capacity to embrace the perfect beam that I am balancing on
and I'm trying to find way to lose my focus
....that's called self-destruction, and I can't let that happen.

I should give myself more credit for the results that I've gained while being in nyc,
but somewhere inside I feel like I don't deserve it.
.... that's called low self-esteem.

damn, i'm getting good at this.
It is so important to realize anything that's making one uncomfortable
because I'm sure everybody has those uncomfortable spots within their lives
and the outsiders can never see it
only you can

and to recognize those 'negative spots' and to turn them around to a 'positive perspective'
is what we should all be doing.

so, right now i'm working on trying to turn this 'quilty' feeling i have into a positive outlook.

I feel guilty that I'm still living with my mom.
the pros ....
1) rent is SO damn cheap. so I'm able to have some flexibility with my budget.
2) i have the convenience of living within manhattan
3) i hardly ever see her so it feels like i'm living alone most of the time
a) thus, I feel independent. to a certain degree.
4) when i do get to see her, we enjoy a nice family meal.
5) my mom is amazing. and I never got to know her when I was younger because she was always working.

the cons ....
1) i feel less independent
a) because "i live with my mom". i loathe saying these 5 words to co-workers or fellow ny-ers. nobody lives with their parents here.
b) I feel like I may be judged negatively ... and I hate being judged. but then again, I shouldn't care about any negativity, no?
2) I can't have guys over. it's lame to not have that freedom in your early 20's and being in this awesome city.
3) my brothers are calling me 'nobu-chan', who is my uncle who still lives with grandma. and that sounds like a sucky situation. but then again, i'm not nobu-chan, I'm not him and we all have different ways of living...... whoa, I just answered my question right there! haha. anyway, continuing...

Okay. so obviously I am in a big process of finding my identity as an individual right now.
Funny how, despite all the traveling and exploring I've done, I'm still in the same nut.
I suppose it's human nature to constantly be searching for one self.
and we should trust the process.

Mom gave me her BIG ASS drawer so I can organize all my clothes that's been cooped up in tons of storage bins.
that's when it hit me .... My mom has done so much to give me a good life.
and the only thing she'd want in return is for me to be happy.

and I am.

so I will stop complaining and be content.
...be honest, sincere and content.

writing always makes me feel betterrr