sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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a letter to g

two people from completely different pasts, experiences, lives...mesh and balance each other, naturally growing and re-enforcing one another's strengths.
oh how it was total bliss to feel you in my arms.
to hold and embrace your muscular and healthy build.
your pale blue eyes now with less gold specks,
like a foggy winter day, a bit wise at dawn.
you felt so natural. i felt so natural,
in every body movement and in every little chuckle that shyed away from my lips.

I re-read all the emails we've exchanged since the very beginning of our story.
From the frizzy, hopefukky's and stiff virgins...
to our days while I was in London, my weekend trips to Berlin...
to the february 2 years ago when hearts drifted apart and quietly broke into pieces.
at least mine did.
Since then, we've moved on - I've grown and you've grown.
We saw different times, feel different moments, seeked new experiences.
...and yet still found our ways back to the beginning in such an ironic way.

It started again with my first nap at your home, in your bed this 2013.
i was woken by a gentle whisper, an open palm rubbing my back.
you relaxed your body on top of the covers that hugged me.
It wasn't new to me, rather, soft and familiar.
When you joined me on the couch under the blanket, my heart didn't skip -
we were past that. We were on another level. with each other and within ourselves.

Oh how did this all happen.
The distance. the timing. everything.
The puzzle was supposed to fit right in nature,
but somehow it is always the wrong piece
even though the shape is in its correct form.

It is not within us to configure the timing nor the distance.
Rather, I shall let nature run its course and see where all this leads to.
Perhaps nothing will ever happen,
maybe we were meant to be like this at this point of our life in order to proceed to the next chapter of the new present?
I don't know. Nobody knows. not even pluto.
You are what happened in my life while I was busy making other plans.
Yet the force of nature is what drifted us apart.
I don't know how to respond to this.
but learning and living the past few years, I've grown to respect the course that the universe takes,
rather than go against it and wonder... and wonder...why we cannot be "together".
That is just a headache to my body. I don't want that.

Sleeping with you, being under the covers beside you was the most beautiful experience I've had -
the best way to start my 2013. Thank you.
When I see you next time, I hope to see you with wide open arms, with a warm hug.
That is all I ask for.
Because I expect nothing more. I can't. How can I?

That is the best way for the relationship we have.
It's very special, but I can't ask for more unless it is safe to do so.
My heart has become wise and patient like this.
To be this way is my way of loving you the best that I can.

I am not scared, I am not insecure.
I am not afraid. I am open.
but I do flinch. Because my body enjoys these tactful reactions.
How my body flirts with my heart, it is a funny thing.
and I'm quite okay with it.

The foreseeable future to me is what I see right in front of me right this moment.
and you are not here.
and I have to be content with that.
otherwise I might as well break.
and I don't want that.

There will always be a place in my heart for you, g.
and the best thing I can give to you now is for me to be content with myself and move on with my life.
with or without you.

A sad love story? I don't think so.
because you move me.
and that itself is just so romantic.

xo Yuki.
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