sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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what is this fear thing?

fear. it's something we all have,
it is a funny thing
how something so intangible can have so much energy
that people develop and empower this emotion
because fear would be nothing if our minds didn't let it grow
into something so powerful and strong
yet it doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad thing
because some of the most beautiful moments in life happen
when you embrace fear and go along with what you're most afraid of
and ultimately conquer it with your actions and the flow of time.

we're all fearful of getting hurt
to relive those scary emotions that once wet our cheeks
the feeling of your throat tightening, your words are jigsawed
into confusing matter of a hopeless bridge, trying, trying to pass thru

my friend told me,
'at one point, somewhere along the road
he is going to get very hurt. i think him more than you.
so you should break it off before it even begins.'
but it already has begun?
everything has already begun. the cycle of my life.
it started from the very first breath that i took.
from my parents divorce. to my siblings' fight with depression.
it has already begun,
from the first blade that teared through iron
to the weeks of classes i cut in high school.
the diploma that took 5 years,
an extra year slipped thru the pages because time let me

from the moment i left USA and rode the red double-decker,
to the first step off of berlinair into a beloveds arms.
from crying in my pjs, in the bathroom, wanting to go home.
and not knowing where home was.
it has already begun,
as i backpacked thru the lines and the territories
bridges and tunnels and all.

and then somehow, i ended up in nyc.
and i am still here.
wearing a white shirt.
taking in shots on 30mins breaks.
as i cash out and leave the floor,
i rejoice my life.

and find love at a corner deli.

all over again.

and yet,
my friend gave me a strand of fear that i effortlessly took in
and pushed away the one person who brings me so much joy
to the complete edge.
but he didn't fall. he wouldn't let himself fall. he wouldn't let us fall.

and that's when i realized,
wow. fear is nothing but a bridge
that awaits for a boat to come from beneath
the bridge will only temporarily go upwards and stop traffic
but once that boat passes thru
everything is back to normal

it's like that.
change is nothing
and fear is nothing
and yet it is everything
that keeps the flow from breaking

so embrace it all.

i just hope that when my heart does get broken again
that my friends will be there for me as i bitch and groan
because i'd be there for them too.
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breaking point?

for me it is always about trusting the process and respecting the situation
but my fellow surroundings have definitely brought up a good point.
....is that i am too free. i enjoy the freedom that's been propositioned upon me
by whomever it may be.
because i like to think that time and its energy molds moments to the way it becomes

i'm indulging everyday the most that i can....
and i don't regret anything, this is who i am. i am in sync with the world.
it's so interesting, i feel like i've found myself to a certain degree.

but at the same time, i can constantly in search for thy self, and the meaning of it all
and that in itself is pretty damn cool.
whatever anybody else says,
it never fazes me
because the answer that i've come up with
is just so inspiring to myself,
that nothing can let it change,
although i can take it in perspective,
the chemistry in my mind never seizes to redefine.

it's 6am,
nyc runners trotting thru the park
and i'm about to fall asleep

so peacefully!
i'm off tmrw. which makes it even betterrrrr. wooooo

the present.

hello. i am in my early 20's. and i just got home at 6:16am.
such a freedom that I've realized that I should respect and prosper.
current background music is FEIST "1234"... I love this song!!
so light, yet so profound!

I'll probably wake up with a slight hangover tomorrow.
but I'm still quite conscious of what I am writing. or maybe not.
whatever it is, the need to write is here. the passion is here. and i am glad to have that.

hmmm, since the last time I wrote in here,
many things has happened.
like I said before, and of course how many dreamers have said before,
life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
jordan is what has happened to me about 3 weeks ago.
A muslim guy, so beautiful and unique. silly at times,
but very honest and sincere with himself.
I've known him for awhile now,
but it's just 3 weeks ago that I let loose and told him what a beautiful face he has.
oh his eyes, his eyes.....
so dreamy, i could get lost when i stare at them.

anyway, enough about love. or lust. or whatever it is i am feeling.
i am just go content that i am simply... "feeling" .

tonight was a great night out.
i had so much fun with my co-workers at tom's.
even though it was short-lived, and i wish i could've enjoyed it much longer.
but that is how it is. to enjoy it as much as i can, with the time that we are limited to.
discipline is something I really do lack, because the freedom that comes with time
is just to precious,
i'd much rather hold onto the freedom i have,
then to restrict myself with a 'limit' that i know i have.

but that is how it is
to be in your 20's.

i am actually no longer in my early 20's.
i am 24. wow, 24!!!!

.... time to sleep now. my brain needs rest.
if only i could breathe through my nose.
HAHA.
XO
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