sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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words flowing out like endless rain

words flowing out like endless rain
as the mind ripens and matures you start to wonder
since when did i stop feeling the pain?

we've all had a time in our life when things were pretty tough
day full of uncertainties and emotions start to get rough
and you sometimes want to let yourself slip away even just for a second
but then you notice your feet grounded to the reality that its no island
we are all in it for the same reason: to let the air keep us alive
and have the conscience to ponder on what makes us thrive

there are so many layers and complexities put upon our existence
culture. religion. family. friends. timing. unexpected tendencies. alcohol and drugs. work. school.
everything intertwines at different times and sometimes it doesn't make any sense
but it does
it all does

the day I stopped being a victim of my own pain
I realized that it's okay to be a broken butterfly
when you accept the fact that you have done too deep
that's when you start to heal and see the vibrant colours of the world
life is so precious, i intend on not wasting a moment
to be free, it is the most relaxing feeling
and it all starts from within and nowhere else

to have strength in self-esteem, to be sensible to your surroundings and others
but still vibin' it all and jamming to the great brothers
of our time, you realize how beautiful this life is

i love my life, slow and steady,
being true and controlling the flow by letting it go
as it wishes, and make decisions when the passion is right
i have a feeling my future is going to be really awesome
and i will never stop thinking and writing and being hyper with my mind.


so it's a monday, my day off. i've been smoking thru my elephant for the past hour.
day off tendencies, i'm attempting to clean and do my laundry,
i'd clean for about 5 mins, then get a text, end up on the couch, smoke a cigarette. repeat.
oh life.

like a rubik's cube

there was time when everything felt right
but deep down inside i was enduring a quiet fight
with myself and my wants, my needs, what's most important here?
is that i need to let myself be who i am, for what i am, who i will become,
it's all always been so clear
why have i let myself think a different way
perhaps it was the little voice that spoke of fear
as i glared at my own eyes thru the foggy mirror
way too much beer

so i ended my relationship with jordan over a week ago
i loved this man, for who he was, or so i thought
the person that i first fell in love with
is somebody who i thought he was
and not the person he actually was

heart-broken with this realistic outcome
i was severely hungover, coming down from blow
before my eyes things suddenly started to fall slow
10 minutes before my brunch shift
i really had to skirm in a bump for a quick lift
the lingering cold had me coughing up liquid powder
no time to ponder, the lightening was yet to come after the thunder

a week or so has passed since the twirls and swirls
a lovely girl friend invited me to come out to her house in brooklyn
where i met some of the most kind, fun, electic people ever.

as i was sitting by the window, sipping on wine
a multiple knock on the window threw me off
and i quickily laid low, flat on the floor
telling barri, 'oh barri, somebody is trying to get in! it's scary!'
as he chuckled, knowing all of lola's friends knock on the window before enveloping themselves into the realm of the home.
there stepped in two guys
the initial, an eccentric red headed man with a septum and side labret
eyes so gentle, hat pulled sideways, a kind soul
then i saw the other,
wearing a knit, notable headphones, a clean skateboarder-type look.
i quickily got off the floor and shook both their hands
RA looked rather cute but I didn't think much of it at the time

we all went out for a smoke
and before i knew it RA and I were the only ones talking
at one point I asked "hablas espanol?"
and we kept going on and on with some shitty spanglish
later on we went outside by the stoop, waiting for lola to have her 'minute' to get ready
RA sat next to me as we smoked a cigarette,
he passionately conversed about his family, being the middle child, his home country,
we talked about skateboarding, i pretended that i was age 30, nobody would ever believe.

we started walking towards the subway,
when lola asked me, what do you think of RA?
and that's when I told her, i think he's cute.
but it didn't hit me until we got to the subway station
waiting for the subway
that his eyes kept scrolling towards me
and our distance between each other kept getting smaller
we got on the subway, he sat next to me
we talked about tattoos, i showed him mine on my thigh
and when he touched my leg, i reacted a bit
and he casually said, sorry i didn't mean it
but as we were talking about the layout, he kept touching
and it felt rather natural


when we got into the lounge,
i was quite nervous because it was a dance scene
RA was a dancer, he loved to move his body
it was extremely sexy and i started to get nervous
i downed a beer really quick
as we made our way downstairs
where grunge meets trashy, a little bit sassy
i stayed in the corner for a second
didn't know what to do
i was so shy
and that's when i decided, you know what, fuck this....
i'm single, trying to start anew, why am i putting myself in the corner?
it all started coming together
and so i chugged down the beer, set it aside
found lola and asked her to take my hand and show me how to move
she said, it's all in the hips
and i told her, damn, i got no hips
but i went with it
i found the beat, the rhythm, the beats
and then slowly meshed my body into the music
at first it felt awkward, but i kept going
because, what is there to lose?
RA was doing his jam afar
but soon made his way next to me
and we slowly got into sync, with a bit of distance however
and for a good 10 minutes, we were all groovin'.
i think that was the ice breaker and i started to feel really comfortable.

it was really hot downstairs, so we migrated back up
and we continued to dance
at one point, RA took my hand
and we vibed together, slowly but surely
we got into sync, and i couldn't help but feel a bit smitten
our bodies weren't touching just yet
until he grabbed my waist and put my body against his
it was quite electrifying

we all went outside for a quick smoke
funny how RA somehow ends up making his way to my side
we had a stranger take the photo of 4 of us, with RA next to me
and while our picture was being taken
he began kissing my cheek
and i slowly looked towards him
our eyes met, warm and inviting
and we kissed.
and then again.
and then again.

until we were in the little corner kissing away
I could hear lola say, "omg they're kissing!"
and i kept going. i couldn't stop.
and neither could he.
i was so sweaty, but it didn't matter.
that moment was so intense
i just had to write it down.

afterwards, a lot of shit happened
but nontheless, the night and the moments i've experience
had made it all worth it.

fast forward to 4am,
i was at RA's place, along with his roomie/friend.
we took a cold shower together, and then made our way to the bed.

RA had to be up for work at 7am, it wasn't enough time.

he told me that i make him nervous, and it was so cute.
i don't think i've made a guy nervous in a while lolllll

i can't wait to see him tonight.