sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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when is it goodbye

a letter to M,

i was being embraced by another body
when i received a text from you
it's been over a month since your name popped up on my phone
as i opened the text, curiosity stirred up uneasiness.
'i'm leaving nyc tonight, can i come and say goodbye'
you really know how to fog up my mind.

still sleeping next to me
i asked RA,
"from a guy's perspective, to send a girl such a text...does it take a lot of courage?"
and he said of course, that it must mean i mean a lot to somebody.
and that should be respected. and cherished.
so i left midwood and scurried away back up to harlem.

I had very little time to see you.
between coming back from RA's to getting ready for work
our time window was limited,
just like how it always was.
we were always racing against time
and to win the race, we always tried to be faster
and that's the exact reason why we failed and never made it through.

I rushed outside, you said you were waiting.
i looked left, i looked right, i couldn't find you.
the moment i rang your phone and you picked up
i saw you across the street, inside marcus garvey park
at the staircase, you were wearing the fedora i gave you on your bday.
as i got closer to you, i started to gaze lower
and before i knew it our feet met.
casually, we hugged each other. it felt really familiar.
but our bodies were too shy.

i took a seat on the stairs
as you stayed standing, hands in pockets
you didn't seem at ease,
the 'i'm trying to stay cool but i'm actually nervous' pose you do
the 'i'm attempting to look calm but my mind's actually spinning' face you make
it was all too familiar.

as we chit-chatted about the past month,
i invited you to sit next to me.
there were moments when the silence of the air grew
but i didn't want to let it. so i said silly things. just to keep the flow going.
and then we finally opened up.

you said you were sorry. for not replying back.
but you didn't know what to say. and you thought not saying anything was the right message.
i told you how i was depressed after we broke up
but then i picked myself up and brushed off the shit
and moved on. from you. from us.
from the idea of being together.
from the hopes and dreams of being your wife.
it was hard.
but i moved on.

until today,
i realized i still had some shit to brush off of my broken heart
because everytime your deep chestnut eyes met mine
i'd sway away from the gentle gaze you expel
because your eyes are what first took my breath away
and it reminded me of all the times i've fallen in love with you.

i stood up for myself today.
i told you how lonely i felt while being with you
and how unhappy i was.
despite the fact that the love was there, the love was so strong
and i was trying to hold on to it so tightly
because i was so scared that it would all disappear
and i'd be left all alone with this broken heart

i started to cry
you held my hand
and said, "please. stop. please stop."
because my tears were piercing through your heart
and you felt the pain that i've endured
and to see my tear drops stain your jeans
perhaps you couldn't hold it in any longer
because you started to cry too.
and said "i really like you. i do. i really do."
and we both cried together.
i couldn't control myself.
the way you smell, the way you held me tight
while i sobbed over the memories of what we had
it's all gone
and we can't be together again.
because we would only hurt each other more

you said to me,
"you have had enough of me. i don't want to hurt you again."
and i said "ok." ....holding back it all. it was impossible.
the bursts of sorrow, it was too much.

i told you,
i really loved you. and i really cared about you. and i still do.
and we can never have what we had again,
because love itself can't concur all
we are too incompatible for each other
all we do is hurt each other
the cycle was endless. it was unhealthy.
i was so unhappy.
but now i'm so much happier with myself and my life.
even though i shed so many tears in front of you today,
please know, i am in a better place now.
my heart is calm and at peace
my mind is able to expand with creativity and dreams
i no longer have this cloud hanging over me,
that was filled with fear that i'd lose you.
because i already have.
i let go over a month ago.
and today is when i was able to tell you all this,
and now i feel i have truly let go.

and i want you to know M,
that I am so happy that I've met you.
at the corner deli of 116th and park ave
i found love,
and it was beautiful.

but now it's time to let go
and continue the path
that makes me happiest
and most content
without having to cling on tightly
in fear that it would all disappear.

when i let go
is when i realized
how important you are to me
and how important i am to me, too.

when is it goodbye?
i never said goodbye to you when i left you in the car.
i looked back twice, i couldn't see you. my eyes were so wet and swollen.

but now i'm ready.
it's time to say