sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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the solitary truth

the truth can be as simple as
'the sky is blue'
'i am 5 feet 2'
'1 us dollar is equivalent to .71 euros'

but somebody had to create the idea that
'this color will be called blue'
'1 foot will equal 12 inches'
'depending on inflation and interest rates, the value of the dollar will result in this amount'

what is truly certain in this world?
what makes people believe that something is the truth?

because we believe.

without believing, many things what we thought as the truth
would turn into complete oblivion
our minds are molded and shaped since we are born
to see things from a certain light
and as we grow and mature, we begin to question these ways
and change our own perception by putting more faith within oneself.
just as if one way works for one person
doesn't seemingly work for another.

different minds, different goals, different objectives
it creates a polygamy of unity
however a monogamy of chaos.

on an animalistic level,
it is all quite simple.
all we need is energy to survive.
from food to social interaction.
we are incredibly greedy, sensitive and love-seeking creatures.

is there one truth to all things?
or are there many truths to one thing?

what some believe as 'the truth'
can be used for another's advantage.
and it is difficult to know when this is happening
especially if you are in the midst of the game

the current state of the world is suffering
because there is so much lying happening
and the monetary system is extremely corrupt

the truth can set us free
and the first step to recovery
is to begin from within yourself.

what do you desire
what is the truth you seek
and what is the destiny you want to see
become a reality for YOU?

from a personal stance
to the bigger picture

what changes do you wish to see within yourself
and the whole world?

it all starts with YOU.

so go on, be greedy.
because you have all the right to be so.
and with this freedom comes responsibility,
responsibility towards those around you
responsibility towards the system
and responsibility towards your personal happiness

because we are a society, a monogamy of chaos.
or a polygamy of unity?

however you want to look at it,
there is no choice but to embrace it.
because we are in it as i type
and it isn't going anywhere.

halfway around the world

a love letter for PR

halfway around the world
there you are in your own life
impatiently waiting for an answer
whether we will become 'us' ,
halfway around the world
here i am in my own life
getting ready for a big move
everything will change for me
and for you to arrive at this time
it is a blessing and a challenge
and i ponder every day
whether we will become 'us'

i need you during this transition of mine
and i desire to have the power to shine
with you by my side, and for me to be by your side
how will we become when our worlds collide?
with your familiar surroundings and daily routine
all i can do is hope and wait for february eighteen.

ich mochte das dir weisst das ich dich mag.


2014 vibin'!

Sooooo. a less intense post :D HARROW ^_^
it's 2014. I'll be 25 years old in a few weeks. whaaaaat !
2013 was a sure ride.
going to berlin on my birthday... having a really intense relationship...
having a crush on a younger guy...and then being flaked on twice!
a job that I loved and hated... they closed their doors on the 29th of december...
I paid $13,000 in taxes last year...daaaaamn. that's a lot of work hours son.
and now. I am funemployed. and enjoying this time to think what I need to do for the next step of my life.

2013 was a super social year for me, I think I drank enough to sustain a whole bar inventory.
soooo many fireballs. so many puki yuki moments. I did not know my limit. however no regrets.
so many WTF moments. again, no regrets.

but now, I have more things I'd like to focus on this year.
and that is......
(1) be more honest with myself. to not be sorry for how i feel. to not invalidate but rather encourage honesty.
(2) know my limits. understand them and party responsibly. last year I've passed out so many times. even on lindy's birthday this year and I made PR worry so much. I am no longer alone, I need to respect my liver and my body. and the people around me!
(3) learn german. not for PR. not for a man :D HAHAHAHA but actually for myself. I studied arabic last year, and now I don't give two shits about the language. because my initial purpose was to please my ex. OOPS. nope. never again. I want to expand my mind with german for myself and my own benefit! also. german sounds sexy ;)
(4) actually do what I say and/or promise. Do not back out on people or plans just because. I cannot let my procastination/lazy ass hinder my relations with those who matter to me most.


'if I fall for you, I'll never recover'

'if i fall for you, i'll never be the same'

so I have this theory in my head
that others are others
and i am me
and that my principles about others
do not parallel with my own existence.
is this a black and white theory?
am i being a hypocrite for thinking this way?
....am i overthinking again?!
that's the point. i am always inside my head.
constantly thinking and analyzing
the swirls of time and emotion
it stirs away into an endless blackhole
and i can't seem to find a way out
but actually.
there is always a way out.
and to find the coping skills that work for you
and to have the right people beside you.
and to know who you are.....

it is all intertwined.

so actually. others are in fact not as different as me.
for example, when somebody says one thing, i assume that they are implying another thought.
because i do that. so in actuality,
there is so much relevancy to the minds and thoughts of others
and mine.

the way i am
i cannot change
though there are times when i feel the need to change the way i am.
i do believe it is a defense mechanism,
to be a bit scatterbrained however,
i do not mind. how can i, there is no way to change
or be another way other than your own

it is a constant fight. wondering what your true identity is.
but in fact, you are already who you are.
and we cannot let the inner chatterbox within us pull us down
or let the past experiences define who we are.

i am NOT my past
and i am NOT my insecurities
I AM my own words
I AM a strong individual who fought a good fight.
and it is still going. life does not stop.

just that.
I am.

it is important for everybody to know, our thoughts may be part of us
but they will not define us. unless you let it define you.
it is difficult to remain so consistent like this
especially when you develop special emotions for somebody.
because that is when we are most vulnerable and weak.
yet so strong, you just want to smile and tell the whole world
that somebody is yours.
and that you are theirs.

There is somebody truly special to me in my life right now.
Reality however, is that I have never met him.

Doesn't sound like an unusual situation.
but these feelings. THESE FEELINGS AHHH
to be able to hold a 5hour conversation on video chat
to be able to laugh...and cry...and be jealous...and feel so alive.
to have the desire to make the other smile and make their day.
even if it is as simple as a warm good morning or good night.
the slightest emotion towards him, i feel so euphoric
at the same time, it is driving me completely insane.
there are situations in which i've never directly dealt with before
while having somebody by my side to listen and have the want to understand
what goes on in my mind.
and for me to be as patient as i could be
and listen to their worries and thoughts and everything in between
without feeling the need to be defensive
seems like a rollercoaster at times, and sometimes we get into these silly fights
but who said this isn't all worth it?
So much underlying issues are coming up that I have decided to leave on the side
until I was ready to confess and realize all these skeletons in my closet.
whether it be about my past,
the way my father left us,
the way i felt betrayed by my own mother when i was young
to still realize what the bullying did to my self-esteem
the days i told myself 'this is the last time i make myself throw up'
the nights i told myself 'this is the last time i will cut myself'
one day i looked into the mirror and simply saw a lost soul
and i could not stop crying
i wanted it all to end
but when i saw that dark hole that lead to nowhere
it was the scariest moment of my life
i didn't want my life to end
it's not the end

and not knowing the difference between being strong and being in denial
but wanting to know
this is the road to recovery
when does the healing process end?
is there ever a time when you will be totally fine with who you are?
or is it a constant road with bumps and hills and ups and downs and everything in between?

life is like that.
it never stops.
and time does not stop for anybody.

I have come a long way since the darkest of my time
the scars make me remember those days
and sometimes i will have a quick flashback
and my insecurities will yet again arise
and to fight back, that is all i can do
and to become a better person than i was yesterday

today is a new day
it is a beautiful day
i cannot let my past define me
i will NOT let it define me!
and right now, I want somebody. I long to be in a relationship with him.
because I know I am worth it.
and I know he is worth it, too.
it is a long path, this so-called life.
with its stop signs and hurdles
we shall embrace what comes to us
whether we accept it or deny it
it is still there, lingering to be taken care of.
each situation is special,
we must deal with it. that is the reality.
or it will linger around until you one day break down
and realize what you have to do.

i have fallen so much in love with this person
even though i have yet to meet him.
and i'll never be the same.
because i will be a better me
than yesterday...