sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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and our lives are a cluster of moments
with various shapes and colors
emotions and feelings
expectations, hopeful tendencies
disappointment and sadness
euphoria and stimulation

it has been 6 months since I've moved to Berlin
that big leap of whatever comes my way
disconnected from my past
yet having it intertwined with my present
decision making brought upon by habitual thoughts
it is not easy to face one self at times
oh how I sometimes wish the uneasiness could fall thru
and I feel at peace one more time

but it is like this, this moment right now
it's hard to breath, it's hard to think past the concerns
and worries of the unknown
one cannot change the perception of others
nor can one control the manifestations of natural causes
but one thing is for sure
that one has all the ability to empower themselves
and evolve accordingly.

Right now I am feeling uneasy
Some moments in life are so beautiful
that it is hard for me to comprehend

it is like this

I find calm in the warmth that Sven is giving me
His beautiful eyes helps me breath
and yet, my heart has an urge to shut down
because it is all just too beautiful
he is an extremely beautiful person
and it moves me
and that frightens me

from the early stages of childhood
I have been left alone
and I've coped with disconnecting from others
and being emotionally detached and independent
and yet I crave for so much attention and love and acceptance.
this is a healthy malfunction as I would call it
because we all learn certain coping skills
to get through this strange thing called life

Sven makes me think
and let's me be who I am
and I've yet to know who I am completely

I did not intend on having these emotions
and creating a deeper level of connection with somebody
in this way
because I thought, I should not commit and be in a relationship
until I figure myself out

but actually,
us humans are always trying to figure ourselves out
how boring it would be if we stopped evolving at a certain age
and just hit a plateau of mediocre vibrance

My take on relationships has shifted gears
from being afraid of the 'what ifs' of the unknown
to the 'why nots' of the unpredictable

and yet this fear spikes thru out of nowhere
because the pain I've learned from the past
is still vivid and raw within me

We have the ability to heal and move forward
to forgive but nobody can ever really forget
the pricks and nicks of the truth

the truth is all we have
and I can only be honest with myself.
and let the truth set me free.

I really like Sven.
and I really like being in Berlin.
I am a jittery person, and my mind never seizes to make its
twists and turns, ups and downs
sideways, backwards, forwards,
it's an endless three dimensional cord
of staggering thoughts and progression

these days, I've been drinking very heavily
I think to put a pause in my mind and
to push myself to become calmer
but in fact, we all know, this isn't a healthy route
and today, I decide to be sober.
and tomorrow, I will wake up, and decide to be sober yet again.

I'm making the decision to cut out alcohol right now
and only with baby steps can I really slowly turn this cycle around
and to kindly learn more about myself.

I remember the moment when I last put a cut through my right arm
it was in the bathroom of a church when I was 17
and I told myself, this would be the last time I ever do it
and I quietly cried to myself.
It's been 8 years since then. I have not put a knife through since then.
and thank fucking goodness that it has stopped.
the point I am trying to make however,
is that cutting is a result of something much deeper
a coping method to deal with underlying denial,
to hide away from uncomfortable feelings
whether it is about yourself, your past, or events that are out of your control
we all have these mechanical coping methods
regardless of what the deeper cause may be
it always starts with yourself.

Today, I choose to be content.
and be a little bit more okay with who I am
because I am who I am,
and nobody else is this way.

I am experiencing some seriously intense moments these days
some are so beautiful
I cannot even handle it


in reflection, now,
I shall embrace them
and enjoy them.
because this is the only life that I have
and even I want to be somebody else
I cannot,

and that is in itself
so damn beautiful.