sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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what is this fear thing?

fear. it's something we all have,
it is a funny thing
how something so intangible can have so much energy
that people develop and empower this emotion
because fear would be nothing if our minds didn't let it grow
into something so powerful and strong
yet it doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad thing
because some of the most beautiful moments in life happen
when you embrace fear and go along with what you're most afraid of
and ultimately conquer it with your actions and the flow of time.

we're all fearful of getting hurt
to relive those scary emotions that once wet our cheeks
the feeling of your throat tightening, your words are jigsawed
into confusing matter of a hopeless bridge, trying, trying to pass thru

my friend told me,
'at one point, somewhere along the road
he is going to get very hurt. i think him more than you.
so you should break it off before it even begins.'
but it already has begun?
everything has already begun. the cycle of my life.
it started from the very first breath that i took.
from my parents divorce. to my siblings' fight with depression.
it has already begun,
from the first blade that teared through iron
to the weeks of classes i cut in high school.
the diploma that took 5 years,
an extra year slipped thru the pages because time let me

from the moment i left USA and rode the red double-decker,
to the first step off of berlinair into a beloveds arms.
from crying in my pjs, in the bathroom, wanting to go home.
and not knowing where home was.
it has already begun,
as i backpacked thru the lines and the territories
bridges and tunnels and all.

and then somehow, i ended up in nyc.
and i am still here.
wearing a white shirt.
taking in shots on 30mins breaks.
as i cash out and leave the floor,
i rejoice my life.

and find love at a corner deli.

all over again.

and yet,
my friend gave me a strand of fear that i effortlessly took in
and pushed away the one person who brings me so much joy
to the complete edge.
but he didn't fall. he wouldn't let himself fall. he wouldn't let us fall.

and that's when i realized,
wow. fear is nothing but a bridge
that awaits for a boat to come from beneath
the bridge will only temporarily go upwards and stop traffic
but once that boat passes thru
everything is back to normal

it's like that.
change is nothing
and fear is nothing
and yet it is everything
that keeps the flow from breaking

so embrace it all.

i just hope that when my heart does get broken again
that my friends will be there for me as i bitch and groan
because i'd be there for them too.

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