sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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when he doesn't say 'i love you'

and the only moment that is real is now, as my fingers flirt with the keyboard, NU humming to a beautiful headache, eyes are getting heavier as I inhale the smoke and taste the menthol on my lips. The mind has a power of its own, and to remember to control your mind and not let it control you, to recognize the power that is deep within yourself.
I used to have a strong craving to hear the words, 'i love you' from my current boyfriend.
it signified a sense of calmness, stillness and stability. and ensurance to the unstable heart, the unsettling mind. but in reality, he already gives me everything that I want right now.
the calmness in his eyes, the stillness in our aura meshed together, the stability of waking up to his face every other morning. to know exactly how he likes his coffee in the morning. meeting late at night while both are drunk. our kisses weigh heavily on one another's lips after some days apart.
he makes my heart worry. there are moments when i feel like i am walking on eggshells due to my own uncertainty.
and it is all beautifully scripted in the skies already.
because actually, the universe already knows that if it was any other way, i would get bored, lose interest and begin to feel the lack of need to have his existence around.
exactly how he is right now, is exactly what i need right now.
damn he is so damn special.

I'd rather live a life filled with unsettling vibrance, unexpected tendencies and beautiful headaches than to know exactly what may come my way.
and to know what your wants and needs, they all come around somehow anyway.

when he doesn't say 'i love you'
doesn't necessarily mean that it has to end
jealousy may be stirred and pondering may occur
but it only flirts with the idea of unconventional ways
and let's me continue to feel alive and lets me re-focus on coming back to now

maybe some day, one day
or never.
it doesn't matter,
because right now, he gives me everything i want
and he is the perfect person for me at this time of my life.
and that is the universe's way of telling me, the way that it makes me feel,

that, yes, he loves me.

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