sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
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when he says "I love you"

the young morning rays were slipping through the translucent curtains
as i curled up against the man that continues to tickle my heart
the streets were quiet and the weimar air mixed with our overnight aura
my eyes were half-open, as I gave my love a good morning kiss.
we acted like children, legs intertwining beneath the sheets,
as we exchanged sweet whispers, he held me tight and said
'I love you'

that moment has come, that I've been longing for since the day our bodies met for the first time
the words I craved but never heard, and let doubt come into my life
the reasons why I walked crying home on cold december nights alone
the reasons why I bickered toward him with passive-aggresive tone
and my heart tingled with honest warmth and yes, fear.

I am this way as I am. I cannot fully trust the person who even says, I love you to me
The present is a funny thing. If we crave and want and need something
it means we aren't being satisfied from within and constantly chasing for the thing that is going to make us feel whole

what am I missing within myself, that even the man I love has said those 3 words
I am still stuck in this loophole that something is missing
I am not totally satisfied on a general level.
and this is not something somebody could give me,
rather something I must give to myself.
and that is the love I could give myself.

Yesterday, we had a discussion about the option of living together.
and we've decided that it would only happen if both parties are able to say
"yes, let's do it"
because ultimately is it like a marriage without the license.
you're in it and it'll be more difficult to get out of it.

and truth is, anybody can get out of anything at anytime of their life.
is this sort of escapism a possible path that I like to keep for myself? why is it?

because my past has told me to always protect myself and always be alert.
yet, surely those walls are slowly softening up but they are as high as it can be.

I am the one who is most mysterious to the outer realm.
nobody will truly understand or comprehend the ordeals that are happening in my mind,
and my mask is on secure and they can only see that I have a confused, wandering mind.

nothing is like the movies, or dramas or sitcoms that we absorb.
that isn't reality.
true reality is happening here, right now

despite the fear of feeling trapped and not having an escape in case the worst pursues
I won't let this inner battle win over me.
because once I do I will take a million steps back to the person I once was.

the man who said "I love you" to me
is one who I want to learn to trust fully
and let my borders soften up a bit more
the man who said "I love you" to me
is one I want to hold close to my heart

it is a scary ride
but I'm willing to go through it
because his hand is the only hand I want to hold onto.
because his face is the only face that I want to wake up to.
I love you, too.



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