sweet trance

since 04.18.2004
2018年01月 ≪  12345678910111213141516171819202122232425262728 ≫ 2018年03月

'if I fall for you, I'll never recover'

'if i fall for you, i'll never be the same'

so I have this theory in my head
that others are others
and i am me
and that my principles about others
do not parallel with my own existence.
is this a black and white theory?
am i being a hypocrite for thinking this way?
....am i overthinking again?!
that's the point. i am always inside my head.
constantly thinking and analyzing
the swirls of time and emotion
it stirs away into an endless blackhole
and i can't seem to find a way out
but actually.
there is always a way out.
and to find the coping skills that work for you
and to have the right people beside you.
and to know who you are.....

it is all intertwined.

so actually. others are in fact not as different as me.
for example, when somebody says one thing, i assume that they are implying another thought.
because i do that. so in actuality,
there is so much relevancy to the minds and thoughts of others
and mine.

the way i am
i cannot change
though there are times when i feel the need to change the way i am.
i do believe it is a defense mechanism,
to be a bit scatterbrained however,
i do not mind. how can i, there is no way to change
or be another way other than your own

it is a constant fight. wondering what your true identity is.
but in fact, you are already who you are.
and we cannot let the inner chatterbox within us pull us down
or let the past experiences define who we are.

i am NOT my past
and i am NOT my insecurities
I AM my own words
I AM a strong individual who fought a good fight.
and it is still going. life does not stop.

just that.
I am.

it is important for everybody to know, our thoughts may be part of us
but they will not define us. unless you let it define you.
it is difficult to remain so consistent like this
especially when you develop special emotions for somebody.
because that is when we are most vulnerable and weak.
yet so strong, you just want to smile and tell the whole world
that somebody is yours.
and that you are theirs.

There is somebody truly special to me in my life right now.
Reality however, is that I have never met him.

Doesn't sound like an unusual situation.
but these feelings. THESE FEELINGS AHHH
to be able to hold a 5hour conversation on video chat
to be able to laugh...and cry...and be jealous...and feel so alive.
to have the desire to make the other smile and make their day.
even if it is as simple as a warm good morning or good night.
the slightest emotion towards him, i feel so euphoric
at the same time, it is driving me completely insane.
there are situations in which i've never directly dealt with before
while having somebody by my side to listen and have the want to understand
what goes on in my mind.
and for me to be as patient as i could be
and listen to their worries and thoughts and everything in between
without feeling the need to be defensive
seems like a rollercoaster at times, and sometimes we get into these silly fights
but who said this isn't all worth it?
So much underlying issues are coming up that I have decided to leave on the side
until I was ready to confess and realize all these skeletons in my closet.
whether it be about my past,
the way my father left us,
the way i felt betrayed by my own mother when i was young
to still realize what the bullying did to my self-esteem
the days i told myself 'this is the last time i make myself throw up'
the nights i told myself 'this is the last time i will cut myself'
one day i looked into the mirror and simply saw a lost soul
and i could not stop crying
i wanted it all to end
but when i saw that dark hole that lead to nowhere
it was the scariest moment of my life
i didn't want my life to end
it's not the end

and not knowing the difference between being strong and being in denial
but wanting to know
this is the road to recovery
when does the healing process end?
is there ever a time when you will be totally fine with who you are?
or is it a constant road with bumps and hills and ups and downs and everything in between?

life is like that.
it never stops.
and time does not stop for anybody.

I have come a long way since the darkest of my time
the scars make me remember those days
and sometimes i will have a quick flashback
and my insecurities will yet again arise
and to fight back, that is all i can do
and to become a better person than i was yesterday

today is a new day
it is a beautiful day
i cannot let my past define me
i will NOT let it define me!
and right now, I want somebody. I long to be in a relationship with him.
because I know I am worth it.
and I know he is worth it, too.
it is a long path, this so-called life.
with its stop signs and hurdles
we shall embrace what comes to us
whether we accept it or deny it
it is still there, lingering to be taken care of.
each situation is special,
we must deal with it. that is the reality.
or it will linger around until you one day break down
and realize what you have to do.

i have fallen so much in love with this person
even though i have yet to meet him.
and i'll never be the same.
because i will be a better me
than yesterday...

when is it goodbye

a letter to M,

i was being embraced by another body
when i received a text from you
it's been over a month since your name popped up on my phone
as i opened the text, curiosity stirred up uneasiness.
'i'm leaving nyc tonight, can i come and say goodbye'
you really know how to fog up my mind.

still sleeping next to me
i asked RA,
"from a guy's perspective, to send a girl such a text...does it take a lot of courage?"
and he said of course, that it must mean i mean a lot to somebody.
and that should be respected. and cherished.
so i left midwood and scurried away back up to harlem.

I had very little time to see you.
between coming back from RA's to getting ready for work
our time window was limited,
just like how it always was.
we were always racing against time
and to win the race, we always tried to be faster
and that's the exact reason why we failed and never made it through.

I rushed outside, you said you were waiting.
i looked left, i looked right, i couldn't find you.
the moment i rang your phone and you picked up
i saw you across the street, inside marcus garvey park
at the staircase, you were wearing the fedora i gave you on your bday.
as i got closer to you, i started to gaze lower
and before i knew it our feet met.
casually, we hugged each other. it felt really familiar.
but our bodies were too shy.

i took a seat on the stairs
as you stayed standing, hands in pockets
you didn't seem at ease,
the 'i'm trying to stay cool but i'm actually nervous' pose you do
the 'i'm attempting to look calm but my mind's actually spinning' face you make
it was all too familiar.

as we chit-chatted about the past month,
i invited you to sit next to me.
there were moments when the silence of the air grew
but i didn't want to let it. so i said silly things. just to keep the flow going.
and then we finally opened up.

you said you were sorry. for not replying back.
but you didn't know what to say. and you thought not saying anything was the right message.
i told you how i was depressed after we broke up
but then i picked myself up and brushed off the shit
and moved on. from you. from us.
from the idea of being together.
from the hopes and dreams of being your wife.
it was hard.
but i moved on.

until today,
i realized i still had some shit to brush off of my broken heart
because everytime your deep chestnut eyes met mine
i'd sway away from the gentle gaze you expel
because your eyes are what first took my breath away
and it reminded me of all the times i've fallen in love with you.

i stood up for myself today.
i told you how lonely i felt while being with you
and how unhappy i was.
despite the fact that the love was there, the love was so strong
and i was trying to hold on to it so tightly
because i was so scared that it would all disappear
and i'd be left all alone with this broken heart

i started to cry
you held my hand
and said, "please. stop. please stop."
because my tears were piercing through your heart
and you felt the pain that i've endured
and to see my tear drops stain your jeans
perhaps you couldn't hold it in any longer
because you started to cry too.
and said "i really like you. i do. i really do."
and we both cried together.
i couldn't control myself.
the way you smell, the way you held me tight
while i sobbed over the memories of what we had
it's all gone
and we can't be together again.
because we would only hurt each other more

you said to me,
"you have had enough of me. i don't want to hurt you again."
and i said "ok." ....holding back it all. it was impossible.
the bursts of sorrow, it was too much.

i told you,
i really loved you. and i really cared about you. and i still do.
and we can never have what we had again,
because love itself can't concur all
we are too incompatible for each other
all we do is hurt each other
the cycle was endless. it was unhealthy.
i was so unhappy.
but now i'm so much happier with myself and my life.
even though i shed so many tears in front of you today,
please know, i am in a better place now.
my heart is calm and at peace
my mind is able to expand with creativity and dreams
i no longer have this cloud hanging over me,
that was filled with fear that i'd lose you.
because i already have.
i let go over a month ago.
and today is when i was able to tell you all this,
and now i feel i have truly let go.

and i want you to know M,
that I am so happy that I've met you.
at the corner deli of 116th and park ave
i found love,
and it was beautiful.

but now it's time to let go
and continue the path
that makes me happiest
and most content
without having to cling on tightly
in fear that it would all disappear.

when i let go
is when i realized
how important you are to me
and how important i am to me, too.

when is it goodbye?
i never said goodbye to you when i left you in the car.
i looked back twice, i couldn't see you. my eyes were so wet and swollen.

but now i'm ready.
it's time to say

words flowing out like endless rain

words flowing out like endless rain
as the mind ripens and matures you start to wonder
since when did i stop feeling the pain?

we've all had a time in our life when things were pretty tough
day full of uncertainties and emotions start to get rough
and you sometimes want to let yourself slip away even just for a second
but then you notice your feet grounded to the reality that its no island
we are all in it for the same reason: to let the air keep us alive
and have the conscience to ponder on what makes us thrive

there are so many layers and complexities put upon our existence
culture. religion. family. friends. timing. unexpected tendencies. alcohol and drugs. work. school.
everything intertwines at different times and sometimes it doesn't make any sense
but it does
it all does

the day I stopped being a victim of my own pain
I realized that it's okay to be a broken butterfly
when you accept the fact that you have done too deep
that's when you start to heal and see the vibrant colours of the world
life is so precious, i intend on not wasting a moment
to be free, it is the most relaxing feeling
and it all starts from within and nowhere else

to have strength in self-esteem, to be sensible to your surroundings and others
but still vibin' it all and jamming to the great brothers
of our time, you realize how beautiful this life is

i love my life, slow and steady,
being true and controlling the flow by letting it go
as it wishes, and make decisions when the passion is right
i have a feeling my future is going to be really awesome
and i will never stop thinking and writing and being hyper with my mind.


so it's a monday, my day off. i've been smoking thru my elephant for the past hour.
day off tendencies, i'm attempting to clean and do my laundry,
i'd clean for about 5 mins, then get a text, end up on the couch, smoke a cigarette. repeat.
oh life.

like a rubik's cube

there was time when everything felt right
but deep down inside i was enduring a quiet fight
with myself and my wants, my needs, what's most important here?
is that i need to let myself be who i am, for what i am, who i will become,
it's all always been so clear
why have i let myself think a different way
perhaps it was the little voice that spoke of fear
as i glared at my own eyes thru the foggy mirror
way too much beer

so i ended my relationship with jordan over a week ago
i loved this man, for who he was, or so i thought
the person that i first fell in love with
is somebody who i thought he was
and not the person he actually was

heart-broken with this realistic outcome
i was severely hungover, coming down from blow
before my eyes things suddenly started to fall slow
10 minutes before my brunch shift
i really had to skirm in a bump for a quick lift
the lingering cold had me coughing up liquid powder
no time to ponder, the lightening was yet to come after the thunder

a week or so has passed since the twirls and swirls
a lovely girl friend invited me to come out to her house in brooklyn
where i met some of the most kind, fun, electic people ever.

as i was sitting by the window, sipping on wine
a multiple knock on the window threw me off
and i quickily laid low, flat on the floor
telling barri, 'oh barri, somebody is trying to get in! it's scary!'
as he chuckled, knowing all of lola's friends knock on the window before enveloping themselves into the realm of the home.
there stepped in two guys
the initial, an eccentric red headed man with a septum and side labret
eyes so gentle, hat pulled sideways, a kind soul
then i saw the other,
wearing a knit, notable headphones, a clean skateboarder-type look.
i quickily got off the floor and shook both their hands
RA looked rather cute but I didn't think much of it at the time

we all went out for a smoke
and before i knew it RA and I were the only ones talking
at one point I asked "hablas espanol?"
and we kept going on and on with some shitty spanglish
later on we went outside by the stoop, waiting for lola to have her 'minute' to get ready
RA sat next to me as we smoked a cigarette,
he passionately conversed about his family, being the middle child, his home country,
we talked about skateboarding, i pretended that i was age 30, nobody would ever believe.

we started walking towards the subway,
when lola asked me, what do you think of RA?
and that's when I told her, i think he's cute.
but it didn't hit me until we got to the subway station
waiting for the subway
that his eyes kept scrolling towards me
and our distance between each other kept getting smaller
we got on the subway, he sat next to me
we talked about tattoos, i showed him mine on my thigh
and when he touched my leg, i reacted a bit
and he casually said, sorry i didn't mean it
but as we were talking about the layout, he kept touching
and it felt rather natural


when we got into the lounge,
i was quite nervous because it was a dance scene
RA was a dancer, he loved to move his body
it was extremely sexy and i started to get nervous
i downed a beer really quick
as we made our way downstairs
where grunge meets trashy, a little bit sassy
i stayed in the corner for a second
didn't know what to do
i was so shy
and that's when i decided, you know what, fuck this....
i'm single, trying to start anew, why am i putting myself in the corner?
it all started coming together
and so i chugged down the beer, set it aside
found lola and asked her to take my hand and show me how to move
she said, it's all in the hips
and i told her, damn, i got no hips
but i went with it
i found the beat, the rhythm, the beats
and then slowly meshed my body into the music
at first it felt awkward, but i kept going
because, what is there to lose?
RA was doing his jam afar
but soon made his way next to me
and we slowly got into sync, with a bit of distance however
and for a good 10 minutes, we were all groovin'.
i think that was the ice breaker and i started to feel really comfortable.

it was really hot downstairs, so we migrated back up
and we continued to dance
at one point, RA took my hand
and we vibed together, slowly but surely
we got into sync, and i couldn't help but feel a bit smitten
our bodies weren't touching just yet
until he grabbed my waist and put my body against his
it was quite electrifying

we all went outside for a quick smoke
funny how RA somehow ends up making his way to my side
we had a stranger take the photo of 4 of us, with RA next to me
and while our picture was being taken
he began kissing my cheek
and i slowly looked towards him
our eyes met, warm and inviting
and we kissed.
and then again.
and then again.

until we were in the little corner kissing away
I could hear lola say, "omg they're kissing!"
and i kept going. i couldn't stop.
and neither could he.
i was so sweaty, but it didn't matter.
that moment was so intense
i just had to write it down.

afterwards, a lot of shit happened
but nontheless, the night and the moments i've experience
had made it all worth it.

fast forward to 4am,
i was at RA's place, along with his roomie/friend.
we took a cold shower together, and then made our way to the bed.

RA had to be up for work at 7am, it wasn't enough time.

he told me that i make him nervous, and it was so cute.
i don't think i've made a guy nervous in a while lolllll

i can't wait to see him tonight.

a list of the things i love

starting with the basics, shall we?
drinking with friends. outside in hard chairs on a golden afternoon.
the wind slightly brisk at dusk. we're all smoking cigarettes
oh the tequila dries out nicely on my tongue.
by high fives and silly comments we are intertwined together
not by blood but by warmth and acceptance
i am half the person without my friends.

mom the wise, a bit silly after her 3rd glass of wine. she is full of knowledge and wisdom. though short-tempered at times, we are alike in that sense. fiery with passion and witty (enough) to the point that bickering is not a choice but a lifestyle.
yoi. how he plays his bass. his long hair sways in front of his emotionless face. but within is a stir of intense passion. for the love of music, he is.
k. perky like adderall. funny as hell. ambitious and short-tempered like the rest of us. his big head always finds a way to look groovy-approved in yankee caps.
mami, the 2nd mom. protective, nurturing, yet feisty in her own right. it took awhile for me to understand my sister, i don't think i understand her 100% to this day. but that's okay. i love her. because she is mami.

he is constantly challenging me to become better. and even though it all started with me being piss drunk and telling him how much i love his face, he was enticed by the way that i am and i will never lose that. He inspires me to become a better woman. to find my desire yet again.
he knows what makes me tick. he keeps me on my toes. i hate him for it sometimes, and I don't hate anybody. for this i love him. and i thank him for being on my side, holding my hand, sometimes letting me alone, and making me a stronger person.

my cat. such a weirdo. tries to bite my toes. he seems to always be hungry. but it's a trap.
if you put your hand in front of him, he will try to scratch you. but if you put your face close to his, he will kneel all over your face. and never dare to scratch such a face.
lonely in nature but likes to be left alone when the day is young. a strange one he is, and i love him.
I found him when he was only 4 months old. on a rainy day. and i promised him that i will be there with him until his last breath. that will be a sad day. but hopefully not for another decade

empty subway cars.
i feel free to sing LOUDLY. with pride.
but once people start to board, i become shy. and i like to keep to myself in public.

english and japanese i've mastered. but of course.
and now i want to learn arabic. it's so beautiful. german too, the way it rolls on the tongue. is superb.
spanish. the dancers language. so much rhythm.
french. the afternoon tea time with anything but tea.
portuguese. makes me want to have a martini with a biscuit for some reason.

post-rain, semi-shiny days. a bit nippy. very mild wind.
reminds me of london. it is so cozy.
perfect weather to smoke a cigarette with the window half-open, coeur de pirate in the background.

timeless art. makes me think. makes me want to go out and live the dream.
but what is the dream? mine or yours? one dream to another may be nothing.
and that is how it is. so we should never compare. unless it is to yourself.
to be reactive or proactive. or is it about patience vs impatience?
or it is about respecting time, by letting it be
or respecting time, by not wasting a single minute and going for it?
see, mozart. i didn't even need the music to have a busy brain.


what is this fear thing?

fear. it's something we all have,
it is a funny thing
how something so intangible can have so much energy
that people develop and empower this emotion
because fear would be nothing if our minds didn't let it grow
into something so powerful and strong
yet it doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad thing
because some of the most beautiful moments in life happen
when you embrace fear and go along with what you're most afraid of
and ultimately conquer it with your actions and the flow of time.

we're all fearful of getting hurt
to relive those scary emotions that once wet our cheeks
the feeling of your throat tightening, your words are jigsawed
into confusing matter of a hopeless bridge, trying, trying to pass thru

my friend told me,
'at one point, somewhere along the road
he is going to get very hurt. i think him more than you.
so you should break it off before it even begins.'
but it already has begun?
everything has already begun. the cycle of my life.
it started from the very first breath that i took.
from my parents divorce. to my siblings' fight with depression.
it has already begun,
from the first blade that teared through iron
to the weeks of classes i cut in high school.
the diploma that took 5 years,
an extra year slipped thru the pages because time let me

from the moment i left USA and rode the red double-decker,
to the first step off of berlinair into a beloveds arms.
from crying in my pjs, in the bathroom, wanting to go home.
and not knowing where home was.
it has already begun,
as i backpacked thru the lines and the territories
bridges and tunnels and all.

and then somehow, i ended up in nyc.
and i am still here.
wearing a white shirt.
taking in shots on 30mins breaks.
as i cash out and leave the floor,
i rejoice my life.

and find love at a corner deli.

all over again.

and yet,
my friend gave me a strand of fear that i effortlessly took in
and pushed away the one person who brings me so much joy
to the complete edge.
but he didn't fall. he wouldn't let himself fall. he wouldn't let us fall.

and that's when i realized,
wow. fear is nothing but a bridge
that awaits for a boat to come from beneath
the bridge will only temporarily go upwards and stop traffic
but once that boat passes thru
everything is back to normal

it's like that.
change is nothing
and fear is nothing
and yet it is everything
that keeps the flow from breaking

so embrace it all.

i just hope that when my heart does get broken again
that my friends will be there for me as i bitch and groan
because i'd be there for them too.

breaking point?

for me it is always about trusting the process and respecting the situation
but my fellow surroundings have definitely brought up a good point.
....is that i am too free. i enjoy the freedom that's been propositioned upon me
by whomever it may be.
because i like to think that time and its energy molds moments to the way it becomes

i'm indulging everyday the most that i can....
and i don't regret anything, this is who i am. i am in sync with the world.
it's so interesting, i feel like i've found myself to a certain degree.

but at the same time, i can constantly in search for thy self, and the meaning of it all
and that in itself is pretty damn cool.
whatever anybody else says,
it never fazes me
because the answer that i've come up with
is just so inspiring to myself,
that nothing can let it change,
although i can take it in perspective,
the chemistry in my mind never seizes to redefine.

it's 6am,
nyc runners trotting thru the park
and i'm about to fall asleep

so peacefully!
i'm off tmrw. which makes it even betterrrrr. wooooo

the present.

hello. i am in my early 20's. and i just got home at 6:16am.
such a freedom that I've realized that I should respect and prosper.
current background music is FEIST "1234"... I love this song!!
so light, yet so profound!

I'll probably wake up with a slight hangover tomorrow.
but I'm still quite conscious of what I am writing. or maybe not.
whatever it is, the need to write is here. the passion is here. and i am glad to have that.

hmmm, since the last time I wrote in here,
many things has happened.
like I said before, and of course how many dreamers have said before,
life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
jordan is what has happened to me about 3 weeks ago.
A muslim guy, so beautiful and unique. silly at times,
but very honest and sincere with himself.
I've known him for awhile now,
but it's just 3 weeks ago that I let loose and told him what a beautiful face he has.
oh his eyes, his eyes.....
so dreamy, i could get lost when i stare at them.

anyway, enough about love. or lust. or whatever it is i am feeling.
i am just go content that i am simply... "feeling" .

tonight was a great night out.
i had so much fun with my co-workers at tom's.
even though it was short-lived, and i wish i could've enjoyed it much longer.
but that is how it is. to enjoy it as much as i can, with the time that we are limited to.
discipline is something I really do lack, because the freedom that comes with time
is just to precious,
i'd much rather hold onto the freedom i have,
then to restrict myself with a 'limit' that i know i have.

but that is how it is
to be in your 20's.

i am actually no longer in my early 20's.
i am 24. wow, 24!!!!

.... time to sleep now. my brain needs rest.
if only i could breathe through my nose.

a letter to g

two people from completely different pasts, experiences, lives...mesh and balance each other, naturally growing and re-enforcing one another's strengths.
oh how it was total bliss to feel you in my arms.
to hold and embrace your muscular and healthy build.
your pale blue eyes now with less gold specks,
like a foggy winter day, a bit wise at dawn.
you felt so natural. i felt so natural,
in every body movement and in every little chuckle that shyed away from my lips.

I re-read all the emails we've exchanged since the very beginning of our story.
From the frizzy, hopefukky's and stiff virgins...
to our days while I was in London, my weekend trips to Berlin...
to the february 2 years ago when hearts drifted apart and quietly broke into pieces.
at least mine did.
Since then, we've moved on - I've grown and you've grown.
We saw different times, feel different moments, seeked new experiences.
...and yet still found our ways back to the beginning in such an ironic way.

It started again with my first nap at your home, in your bed this 2013.
i was woken by a gentle whisper, an open palm rubbing my back.
you relaxed your body on top of the covers that hugged me.
It wasn't new to me, rather, soft and familiar.
When you joined me on the couch under the blanket, my heart didn't skip -
we were past that. We were on another level. with each other and within ourselves.

Oh how did this all happen.
The distance. the timing. everything.
The puzzle was supposed to fit right in nature,
but somehow it is always the wrong piece
even though the shape is in its correct form.

It is not within us to configure the timing nor the distance.
Rather, I shall let nature run its course and see where all this leads to.
Perhaps nothing will ever happen,
maybe we were meant to be like this at this point of our life in order to proceed to the next chapter of the new present?
I don't know. Nobody knows. not even pluto.
You are what happened in my life while I was busy making other plans.
Yet the force of nature is what drifted us apart.
I don't know how to respond to this.
but learning and living the past few years, I've grown to respect the course that the universe takes,
rather than go against it and wonder... and wonder...why we cannot be "together".
That is just a headache to my body. I don't want that.

Sleeping with you, being under the covers beside you was the most beautiful experience I've had -
the best way to start my 2013. Thank you.
When I see you next time, I hope to see you with wide open arms, with a warm hug.
That is all I ask for.
Because I expect nothing more. I can't. How can I?

That is the best way for the relationship we have.
It's very special, but I can't ask for more unless it is safe to do so.
My heart has become wise and patient like this.
To be this way is my way of loving you the best that I can.

I am not scared, I am not insecure.
I am not afraid. I am open.
but I do flinch. Because my body enjoys these tactful reactions.
How my body flirts with my heart, it is a funny thing.
and I'm quite okay with it.

The foreseeable future to me is what I see right in front of me right this moment.
and you are not here.
and I have to be content with that.
otherwise I might as well break.
and I don't want that.

There will always be a place in my heart for you, g.
and the best thing I can give to you now is for me to be content with myself and move on with my life.
with or without you.

A sad love story? I don't think so.
because you move me.
and that itself is just so romantic.

xo Yuki.

a little bit of guilt

I feel so blessed
to the point that I feel guilty.

I am blessed with an amazing living situation
and I've been blessed to have a job that I love
to the point that sometimes I feel like I am trying a way to make it a little uncomfortable
I start lying to myself that this can't be my path

but in reality it is
I've gone through much hardship to achieve this path
but somehow it feels so effortless
perhaps I don't have the capacity to embrace the perfect beam that I am balancing on
and I'm trying to find way to lose my focus
....that's called self-destruction, and I can't let that happen.

I should give myself more credit for the results that I've gained while being in nyc,
but somewhere inside I feel like I don't deserve it.
.... that's called low self-esteem.

damn, i'm getting good at this.
It is so important to realize anything that's making one uncomfortable
because I'm sure everybody has those uncomfortable spots within their lives
and the outsiders can never see it
only you can

and to recognize those 'negative spots' and to turn them around to a 'positive perspective'
is what we should all be doing.

so, right now i'm working on trying to turn this 'quilty' feeling i have into a positive outlook.

I feel guilty that I'm still living with my mom.
the pros ....
1) rent is SO damn cheap. so I'm able to have some flexibility with my budget.
2) i have the convenience of living within manhattan
3) i hardly ever see her so it feels like i'm living alone most of the time
a) thus, I feel independent. to a certain degree.
4) when i do get to see her, we enjoy a nice family meal.
5) my mom is amazing. and I never got to know her when I was younger because she was always working.

the cons ....
1) i feel less independent
a) because "i live with my mom". i loathe saying these 5 words to co-workers or fellow ny-ers. nobody lives with their parents here.
b) I feel like I may be judged negatively ... and I hate being judged. but then again, I shouldn't care about any negativity, no?
2) I can't have guys over. it's lame to not have that freedom in your early 20's and being in this awesome city.
3) my brothers are calling me 'nobu-chan', who is my uncle who still lives with grandma. and that sounds like a sucky situation. but then again, i'm not nobu-chan, I'm not him and we all have different ways of living...... whoa, I just answered my question right there! haha. anyway, continuing...

Okay. so obviously I am in a big process of finding my identity as an individual right now.
Funny how, despite all the traveling and exploring I've done, I'm still in the same nut.
I suppose it's human nature to constantly be searching for one self.
and we should trust the process.

Mom gave me her BIG ASS drawer so I can organize all my clothes that's been cooped up in tons of storage bins.
that's when it hit me .... My mom has done so much to give me a good life.
and the only thing she'd want in return is for me to be happy.

and I am.

so I will stop complaining and be content.
...be honest, sincere and content.

writing always makes me feel betterrr